If you're looking for Misha, she's gone! :-O

PLEASE  update your friends lists! She is now known as:::

Mishashasha

Idea 1: Change my LJ to Mishashasha for greater ease?

Idea 2: Start posting little bits of writing I'm evern remotely proud of...

Any comments are welcome...

I'm bored, so this calls for a random survery I stole from Amy <3:::

( Die, time, die!!! )

I think I'm coming to my senses... I've bascially GOT to detach myself as much as possible. This has got to stop me getting hurt any more.. although "playing it cool", as is were, is going to be tough enough at times.

I don't want to confront anything... I would either seem far too paranoid, or it would be a waste of time as it obviously wouldn't matter that I'm hurt in the first place.

Although another thing is is that I feel like it's partly my fault, for letting it all happen to me... and I know that I'm going to act as though nothing has happened, as though everything is funky, but I've got to change. I have to stop being so concerned and stop tweaking previous plans and stop doing all of the chasing all of the time. 

At any rate, I was kinda lied to, decieved, maybe forgotten, mostly abandoned. And obviously that really left me hurt; and that's not a nice thing to do to a friend, full stop. It took me a lot to realise that; but every train of thought and every conversation I had lead me to this same conclusion. I can't go through the same thing every single week.

This last part is in awknowledgement to all those who really helped me through this shit by helping me talk it out. Namely Mica and Tom at the moment. I really don't know what I would've done without you guys: I now know what true support is, you really made a difference in my hour of need and I cannae thank you enough and I owe you big time! (P.S. I'm pretty sure most of you would've done the same anyway, but these were the people I cornered and forced to listen to and help with my predicaments :-P)

+-->It's taken you so long, To find out you were wrong..<--+

+-->Why don't you take another little piece of my heart? Why don't you take it, And break it, And tear it all apart?<--+

Why do I bother? Why bother to make friends and compromise for them and confide in them and rely on them... only to realise you mean nothing?

At the end of the day, it's my own fault. I'm too trusting and thus I allow myself to get hurt. And my Freddie does it hurt. Personally, I'd rather have been kicked up the arse several times and poked repeatedly with a sharp stick. Meh, well, I have no choice anyway; betrayal it is then.

The trouble is, I can't help thinking I let myself into this. And I KNOW for a fact that tomorrow I will be acting all hunky dory as though I wasn't hurt in the slightest. I will carry on thinking how we will be friends for years to come; not remembering the sheer pain I went through the night before. One-sided, questionmark?! But then I also remember all the kind words that were said for no reason, all the words fo reassurance and support when I needed it... and this confuses me further. Where do I stand?

+-->Why don't you take another little piece of my soul? Why don't you shape it, And shake it, 'Til you're really in control?!

And it's a long, hard struggle, But you can always depend on me. And if you're every in trouble, You know where I will be...<--+

Fuck. I feel so messed up at the moment.

Why does my very sense of worth depend on this one person? Why does one friendship mean so much more to me than others? Why does everything I do depend on them? Why must I fear the worst and panic and question myself at the simplest, most casual everyday broken promise?

I fucking hate feeling like this. I want my self-worth back. I don't want to have to feel so goddamn useless on my own, I don't want to feel such a blank space within me when something tiny doesn't go *quite* to *precise* plan. Like I said, it's pathetic, it's unrealistic and it's NOT me, but it's eating me up from the inside, just to think that I may have been forgotten. And it wouldn't matter to me so much from anyone else? Why is this just so special and important to me? All I need is just to hear that voice, just to tell me what's going on. But I'm not. And I haven't. See, it would break my heart to be cancelled on, but it's far more painful having to sit here, and wait, and ponder.

+-->And as the minutes pass, My heart gradually erodes Into sand, Back into your hands. But how many times are you going to Cement me back together only To crush and crumble me once more?<--+

I'm actually pretty pissed off right now. Today went amazingly - I seriously think I saw everybody I knew in town, like, EVERYBODY. It was amazing and so full of love, we just danced for ages at this giant techno music stage set up by some angry hippies, and I got a great balck&white friendship bracelet which now makes me part of some kind of really indescribably funky crew. I'm really uber happy, came home late and parents don't give a damn. Joy.

UNTIL I got home properly. Just ounfd out that opium addict uncle, his slaggy neice (my cousin) and some filthy friend of his are coming over. Mother's understandably pissed off about having to make a fuss for them, cooking and what not, which doesn't help. At least I agree with her and that makes her feel more correct I suppose. But the one thing that really got to me was that I now can't go to Nick's house.. both of us have bugger all to do both are both stuck home alone. Oh creul fate. Notice how all day in town today I saw everybody bar one of the most important people. And oh irony, that that one person could've seen me if it weren't for the family? I'm really annoyed now. I'm just really uber hoping that he either comes to Rock city tomorrow or makes plans with me for monday. Hopefully both, but at least one.

Damn family. I choose my own family.

Random pointless update alert

Right. It's really nearing midnight now but it's all good as I, my friends, have all the joys of an inset day tomorrow at my disposal. Monday also equals May Day....

FOUR DAY WEEKEND!

Huzzah! I pretty much have tomorrow sorted really, it'll just take a few phone calls during the day to work out details. Saturday is town day, Sunday... I'm debating whether to go to Rock City, but most probably will as I can't think of anything else, I haven't been for ages and there are many, many people I know who are attending. Sadly, this also includes mini-mosher characters but I won't let them spoil anything. They can consider themselves blanked. Monday is not quite sorted; but I'm thinking going to town or something; I envision many people there, or I can at least just invite them out and get them to come into town for a good lambing. My God I ramble too much...

Right. At the moment I feel kinda weird.. worried, I suppose. It's more than likely to be a form of worry. I just called a friend after saying I would at that time, but was instead greeted by a parent saying they are unavailable at the time of night etc.. I feel.. I don't know. Guilty? Rude? Guilty because I really hope I haven't caused trouble. Rude because I feel really bad for giving off a negative impression and everything, which sucks enough. I also feel worried... as it's only my school which has tomorrow off, I won't be able to contact them until tomorrow afternoon, and I have this thing about leaving things unfinished, dubious, open to change. I'd far rather be sure of what's happening, what I should be doing and at what time. I guess that itself might also be a thing which saves me having to make my own decisions and use my own judgement on social situations. I don't ever want to make the wrong decision and either

a) become to suffocating or

b) losing out on a great day because I chose not to contact them through a fear of a.

I'm thinking too deep for this time of night. Ah well. I'm sure everything will turn out to be dandy, but there were also more things I wanted to say and talk about which I had mulled over all day.. now it must wait and build up inside of me. Oh well?

--+>How I wish I had someone to talk to, I'm in an awful way...<+--

I've never been happier in my entire life. I've just been out for about 2 hours with one of my best friends.. it was just so amazing. We sat on the green and pondered over how much art and beauty there is in this world, and, mostly, how perfect the day was. School was happy, smilely, full of laughs and sunshine and sitting the the grass. Full of laughing till I cry. And then, because it's such an amazing, marvellous day, I decide to meet up with one of my best friends. And all this comes pouring out. It was so amazing. We just sat, where I was described as this "really, fucking amazing friend who I love so much". I do know that I mean a lot now. Not even the fact that a mere ONE person filled in my survey (thankyou Kirsty - you *are* a star!), I've never been jollier. I even thought that when walking to the meeting point. What a wonferful world, I thought. I'm not create this enough to think of a way to express it myself, so I just stole What a Wonderful World and thought it over with myself. I've jsut been thinking of all these random events from ym childhood... memories I subconciously cherished because the effected my view on the world so much, however average they were. Damn. I should shut up now and stop this rant. Sorry. Love you all!! I'm out that-away ----------->

+-->I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me <--+

YARG!

Today has turned out not to be my day at all. School was ok, average, nothing new really, I sailed through, got home ok, etc. It was fine.

Got home, got changed, went to call for Claire.. we walked down to Edwalton School, I haven't been back to visit in about 2 years! I went to survery the damage of them not having me there :-P I love nostalgia... It just felt so amazing, so invigorating, I miss those days. A few things have changed, including new animals (including a goat very creatively named "Ba"..)  , new areas for new acitivities.... but the old playtime classics were still there and, had I not been having so much fun, it would've made me well up, probably. I hope to go back there soon with new peeps, it's still a proper adventure playground!

Then I got back home. Parents had told me they were going shopping, but guess what, NO, they thought, "You know what? Let's go to Burger King and thatway we don't have to pay for that pile of baggage. Oh the fun!". Uptight bastards. They tried to trick me by saying they told me they were going... but if they remembered rightly, I asked them to bring me food back if they go out! I'm so fucking enfuriated at them right now. Not for the incident alone; but for lying to me and trying to lay the blame on me. Out of guilt, mother offered me a McDonalds'. The joy. :-|

Fucking opium fiend hypocrite bitchy dumb uptight proud WHORE (can you tell I'm a little bit miffed right now?!)

+-->I want to break free from your lies, You're so self-satisfied<--+

Wa-hey! "I'm going for a whole new style!" My LJ's changed slightly... not much, but I'm proud of myself for gradually, (note: gradually) getting to grips with this whole customisation thing, even if I did just tweak the colours a little. I'll never find out how people get funkadelic backgorunds and what not though. Sigh.

Today was my first day back at school... and it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined at all. I pretty much floated through it, though the day did seem to drag. I guess it was nice to see some certain people again, though I'd have rather not with the "Rudies from Pakistan, innit" crew...

Looking back on the holiday, I couldn't have asked for more. I spent time with those whom I hold most dear and missed the most during my absence: the last Saturday being particularly memorable. Tom and are already planning half term: We Will Rock You at the Dominion!! If that happens, which I'm sure it can, it will be sure to be one of the most memorable nights of my life. Some are conspiring to slip me some sorts of drugs (slip?!) so that I trip and see Freddie! Not that I would complain...

( Something pretty funkay! )
Current Mood: &disappointed at myself for it
Current Music: Queen - Jealousy

Today was very gay.

Allow me to elaborate. Some of you may feel astute by assuming that I mean "gay", as in, happy. Well, I do mean that, but it was also a gay day.

Claire, Sarah and I went to the bus stop to catch the 7, which took a detour to another road... Rich came and found us at the bus stop, he got off the 7 and ran to us! So yeah, was on the bus when Immy rang to say that they've already met Tom and were in the square YAY!  Gay event number one: Tom's arrival. It was so splendid to see him, indescribable! Then I saw Ruth for the firs time in AGES she was allowed out and I nearly strangled her whilst hugging! We did a lot of random stuff, then head off the the castle for random intoxication with vodka & lamb. I gave Tom my Queer badge... Gay event! And we all had some lickable body glitter! Tom signed my bag and I signed his shoe and bag several times... aww. We then did loads of random stuff which I can't really remember.... it just involved an extremely drunk Rich swaggering everywhere and throwing my bag at a van :-S. But Tom caught it in time with his super human grabbing abilities. *ZORD!*

We were arguing about fag-hagness and to take advantage of the moment, I fag-propsed to Thom. (It felt like the right time, ok?!). We swapped rings momentarily but then decided to swap safety pins, and I gave him one of my random lucky beads. Yay! Gay event! We are now lawfully wedded fag hag and fag in Holy Fagimony! Yay!

I saw many toher fabulous people of course. There were loads today, I couldn't even begin to list but it made the day uber happy! I don't really know what I'm describing anymore... I will just randomly arrange tomorrow hopefully to have a bit more lamb on our last day and all.... I can't think of any other main points.. Love you ALL!! *full of love*

( SO bored )